---

let's get this over with right at the start. if the rambutan resembles anything at all, it mostly resembles a large hairy bollock. it's about the right size, it's about the right ellipsoid shape, and it's got about the right number of tangled protruding spines which look a lot like hairs — in fact, it turns out that rambut is the malay word for hair, so i guess it all makes some kind of sense.

it's an unappealing little thing; i even found it a bit scary to have a few of them in my kitchen for any amount of time, because invariably i'd catch a glimpse of one out of the corner of my eye and experience an instantaneous surge of panic as some subconscious part of my brain identified the hairy little fruit as some kind of giant killer insect. i'm impressed that someone somewhere once managed to summon the courage to be the first to crack one of these things open and eat the insides, because it's not at all obvious that it's even edible, let alone actually a fruit.

when cut open, the rambutan unfortunately fails miserably to deviate from its outwardly testicular appearance, revealing an inside that looks for all the world exactly how you'd expect the contents of a scrotum to look. i'm trying not to be juvenile about all of this, but it's hard for these thoughts to not go through even the most mature adult's mind as he sits down to eat this thing.

inside the ragged outer casing sits a smooth, fleshy, white ovoid, pleasantly translucent and slightly firm to the touch but a little bit too squidgy to be actually appealing. the first time i tried to eat one of these i just bit straight into it, which led me directly to the discovery of two important pieces of information about the rambutan.

firstly, it's got a sodding great seed in the middle which is liable to have a damn good shot at breaking your teeth if you bite hard into it, so don't do that. secondly, the seed is surrounded by a papery casing that refuses to be detatched from the white flesh, so if you (like me) try to take big clumsy bites of the fruit, you'll just end up with a mouthful of tough inedible membrane.

the first one i ate wasn't enjoyable for both of the above reasons. i tried another one and was more careful this time:

Be careful not to bite too deeply or the flesh will come away complete with the tough, papery skin of the seed attached, and that is not rambutan at its best. Nibble daintily and detach only the succulent flesh. Then you are enjoying rambutan as seasoned veterans do.

eaten like that, the fruit becomes a bit more acceptable and not quite so torturous an experience. the flesh has a faint but pleasant taste, rather sadly detracted from by its disconcerting texture, which is rubbery and clammy like raw seafood. it's quite tantalising, because the flavour is nice but so insubstantial that you want to be able to take a great big bite just to get a better grip on it.

overall, though, it doesn't really add up to very much. i can see the rambutan being an acceptable component of, say, a fruit salad, but on its own it's really not anything to write home about. if the flavour was more pronounced and the flesh was less creepy i think i'd be more inclined to give it another go, but as it stands i'm pretty sure i can comfortably live the rest of my life without needing to eat any more of these little nads of nature.